What makes a good Dad? I'm not a Dad, but I think that I'm certainly qualified to write about this, since I'm the daughter of one of the world's best fathers and the wife to an excellent father as well. Being a good Dad isn't easy. Being a good Dad isn't simple. Being a good Dad takes hard work, time, dedication and love. Being a good Dad is absolutely worth it in every way.
Keep in mind I'm talking about a fairly traditional Dad - the guy who works weekdays and doesn't have primary child raising responsibilities, not because he doesn't want them, but because that's how the family is structured. You could take a lot of what I say and apply it to Moms who work while kids are in daycare, or while Dads stay home - but I'm styling this article based on Dads in the more traditional family format, because that's what I come from and that's how I live today.
1. A Dad does not babysit his kids
My husband called me from the train one day, and I could tell his anger was white hot. He'd overheard a guy behind him say "I don't babysit my kids when I get home, I work hard all day." My husband, we'll call him Co Worker (because he is, our Bundle is the Boss), was incensed. Babysitting is what Aunties do. What the kid down the street does. What someone who is not the parent of a child does for said child - not what a parent does. A parent cares for their child, whether it's full-time all day or in the evenings, or on weekends. My Co Worker cares for our son just like I do, just not as often. He bathes Bundle, he puts him to bed, he reads to him, he plays music and sings with him. He keeps Backyardigans videos on his computer so that Gabriel can go up and watch on one screen while his Dad works on another. My Co Worker has done a lot of World of Warcraft raids with a toddler on his lap, plays a lot of Quake with a toddler on his lap, administers to a lot of computer systems remotely with a toddler on his lap. He watches his child, he cares for his child, he takes his child places. He does NOT babysit.
2. A Dad reads to his children
From the time that Bundle was an infant we've both read to him. He drags books to both of us to read. Granted, his Dad isn't as cool at making the right animal noises on "Brown Bear, Brown Bear" but he reads a lot of books to his son. Reading is intimate, reading is fun, reading is a building block. Every book read teaches a child something new, but the biggest thing it teaches is that a parent has time.
3. A Dad listens for his kids
I'm old and fat and slow, but I can still hit the floor running when I hear a baby cry in the night. Bundle's Dad, however, can be out of a sound sleep and downstairs into Bundle's room before I can even get to the bedroom door. This is a man who sleeps like the dead - I can't wake him for love, money or fire once he's fallen asleep (and trust me, I've tried). To say he's a sound sleeper is to say that the Washington Monument is a teeny bit phallic, yet he wakes up instantly at the sound of any distress from his son.
4. A Dad listens to his kids
A good Dad listens to what his child is saying. Bundle doesn't talk much yet, but he asks his Daddy questions and shares conversation with him regularly. Co Worker is wonderful about stopping what he's doing to listen, and trying to converse with the little guy as much as possible. My own father was marvelous for talking to me. I felt respected, valued and listened to - and that's been huge in my life.
5. A Dad can cry
Co Worker isn't a weak guy. He's very steady, very pragmatic, very much a guy's guy, but he knows when to be soft and when to be tender. He's cried for his son when there's been a need to - he's cried with his son when there's been a need to. Dads don't get all bunchy about being "manly" when their kids need them. They don't teach their kids (especially their sons) that there's some unrealistic standard of butchness to live up to. They don't hold back on their feelings and try to make their wives ashamed of worrying about the baby. Dads feel real, and have realistic feelings.
6. A Dad teaches his children to respect their Mother
This really doesn't need any additional explication, but I'm going to go ahead and comment on it. A good Dad always cares for his partner, and always models the best of behavior toward her. A good Dad doesn't ever talk badly about her or treat her nastily in front of the kids. A good divorced Dad keeps his issues with the kids' mother to himself and doesn't drag it in front of them. Do I need to even say that this goes the other way just as much? Good parents treat the other parent properly for the sake of the kids. That other parent is half of the child - if you think that you can treat that other person badly and not have it affect your child negatively you're nuts.
7. A Dad has time
Time to listen, time to hug, time to cuddle, time to read. A Dad takes time out of his schedule to do things for his kids, even when his schedule is busy. One of the sweetest things Co Worker has done for me lately is asking me if he could take Bundle up to get his new glasses when they were in. He said "I want to do it, I like to be able to take care of some of Bundle's medical needs myself. I like to be involved." It wasn't the time or energy factor, although it was nice to have a Saturday morning to myself - it was knowing that it wasn't a burden, it wasn't grudging, it was something that the man needed and wanted to do for his son, and that was beautiful.
8. A Dad does the dirty work
Dads change diapers. Good Dads get their hands dirty as much as Moms do - they clean up vomit, they wipe noses, they get barfed and peed and pooped on. Dads get up at 2 a.m. when they have to to walk a fretful baby, Dads aren't afraid to tackle even the most icky baby task. Dads put bandaids on cut knees. Dads kiss boo boos. Dads clean up the entire box of cereal a toddler spills on the floor. Dads scrub the carpet stains. Dads give the dog a bath after a small child pours an entire bottle of dishsoap all over Fido. Dads clean up.
9. A Dad shares the world
Good Dads take time to teach their sons everything from what a truck is to how to use a screwdriver. Dads help teach whenever they have the opportunity, they take time to answer questions (however little) and solve problems (however big). Dads don't laugh at the problems their kids have. Dads recognize them and work to fix them. Dads let kids know that they are important, and that their questions and concerns and worries are important too.
10. A Dad reaps the benefits
Bundle worships his father. We've noticed something funny... when Daddy leaves for work on a weekday that's normal and Bundle doesn't freak out. Now if *I* leave on a weekday (even if Dad is working from home) he flips out. If Daddy dares to leave without him on a weekend, the world has come to an end, but if I leave on a weekend it's mostly "Oh, okay. Bye." He's comfortable and confident about our places in his life. He knows we'll be there when we're supposed to be, and he relies on that. We both reap the benefits for being there for our son, for having made him such a high priority in our lives.
Being a good parent is hard. Being a good parent is tricky. Being a good parent is the most important job there is, because the people we're creating and raising are the ones who are taking care of the world when we're gone. It's a dirty job, but we've got to roll up those metaphorical sleeves and get to it.
No comments:
Post a Comment